so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
