True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
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just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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