i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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