My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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