i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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