How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
