Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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