Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
