I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i came on her dog
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
