And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I currently don't understand fingers.
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