Having a random hookup so left but love u
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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