Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
