Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Randomize
