Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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