Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
