If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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