someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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