I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
