Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
