come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
