I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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