Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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