now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
