so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
