just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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