this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
