Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
