Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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