New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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