This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Randomize
