Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
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Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
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At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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