Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
