Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
