I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
what day is it and did you see me today?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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