So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
