What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
