She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
