matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
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We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
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He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok