dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
