So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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