happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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