don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
