naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
