Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Randomize
