HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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