I want to walk on stilts...naked
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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