woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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