non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
