i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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