Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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