Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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