Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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