Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
A bitchslap is in order.
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