My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
