I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
