Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
