This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
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You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
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I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
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