I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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