I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
so let's talk penis.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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