Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Randomize
