There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
