so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
