I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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