i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
