Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
